


More

by drivingmishcrazy



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:01:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22673710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingmishcrazy/pseuds/drivingmishcrazy
Summary: Songfic inspired by More by Halsey.Derek and Emily have been trying to start a family for years, but they encounter more struggle and pain than they ever thought possible. Will they ever get the family they want?
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Emily Prentiss
Kudos: 23





	More

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: infertility, miscarriage
> 
> This fic is for Isabel who puts up with my nonsense.

_ They told me once nothing grows _

_ When a house ain't a home _

_ Is it true, honestly _

_ When it's all a part of me? _

_ A couple years of waiting rooms _

_ Finding God and lose him too _

_ Wanna scream but what's the use? _

They had been trying for three years to get pregnant. Every month they tried, and every month, Derek would hold Emily in his arms while she cried over another negative pregnancy test. When the only positive they ever got ended in a bloody mess and a trip to the emergency room, they decided that enough was enough, and a doctor’s visit was made. Unfortunately, they came away with more questions than answers.

“What do you  _ mean  _ you don’t know what’s wrong?” Derek said. “I thought you were supposed to  _ check  _ this stuff and do  _ tests!  _ You’re supposed to be doctors!”

“The tests were inconclusive.” The doctor said. “We can do more, but honestly? With three years of trying unsuccessfully, now a miscarriage, and with your advanced ages, I would advise you to prepare yourselves.”

“For what?” Derek asked.

“For the truth.” Emily said, the first words she had spoken voluntarily the whole appointment. “That we may never have a baby.”

“That’s not to say there’s no hope.” The doctor said, clearing her throat. “Depending on what’s causing your infertility, you  _ might  _ still be a good candidate for fertility treatments. We just don’t know enough yet.”

“Okay.” Derek said. “So, what’s next?”

“More tests.” The doctor said. “The truth is, it could be anything causing it. Do the women in either of your families have a history of PCOS or endometriosis?”

“I don’t think so.” Derek said. “I never asked. Emily?”

“I don’t know.” She whispered. “Maybe? I had a paternal aunt who kept having stillbirths.”

“So there  _ is  _ a history of problems.” The doctor said, writing on a clipboard. “Okay. I will order more tests, if those come back negative or inconclusive, we can discuss more extreme measures.”

“Extreme?” Emily said. “I- I don’t understand.”

“There are some conditions,” The doctor said. “That can’t be diagnosed without surgery.”

Emily closed her eyes against the tears threatening to spill down her face. Derek reached over to grab her hand and gave it a squeeze. The last three years had felt like their own personal hell, and now there might be  _ surgery  _ involved? With absolutely  _ no  _ promise of them ever successfully conceiving? It was almost more than Emily could take. She left the appointment feeling even more hopeless than she had before, and she made it as far as the car before she fell apart in Derek’s arms.

_ Lying awake and I stare at the door _

_ I just can't take it no more _

_ They told me it's useless _

_ There's no hope in store _

_ But somehow I just want you more _

Emily stopped sleeping at night, could barely force herself to choke down more than a few bites of food at a time. The tears came, but they were hot, silent ones that seemed to burn trails down her cheeks. There were days when she barely talked, and Derek half-expected to come home at night to find her gone, vanished into thin air. Truth be told, it scared the hell out of him, it was bad enough to have lost a baby,  _ their  _ baby, and to feel like they were on the verge of losing any possibility of starting a family through conventional means, Derek felt like he was one bad night away from losing his wife, too. He held her extra tight at night, as if that could keep Emily safe from her own broken heart. Derek kissed her shoulders.

“I’m not giving up.” He said. “I hope you know that.”

“I don’t know how.” Emily muttered. “It all feels pretty hopeless to me.”

“You don’t  _ know  _ that, Emily.” Derek said. “They haven’t  _ done  _ every test yet, there might still be a chance.”

“There’s no chance.” She said. “Let’s face it, Derek. I’m infertile. We’re never gonna have a baby.”

“We’re gonna have a baby.” He said, kissing her temple. “If I have to move heaven and earth and wrestle an angel myself, we’re  _ going  _ to be a family, princess. Mark my words.”

Emily turned over and stared at Derek for a good long moment, her eyes swimming with tears. He didn’t deserve this. It was her constant thought. Derek Morgan, who wanted to be a father just as much as she wanted to be a mother, didn’t deserve to be stuck with her, the one person in the world who apparently couldn’t give him what he wanted. The only thing that made Emily stay was knowing how much more heartbroken Derek would be if she left.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “You’re going to end up hating me, you know. The more desperate we get, the more angry and bitter I become...you’ll be begging me to leave at the end.”

“Hey.” Derek said. “Don’t you say that. You see this ring? That’s a promise okay, I don’t give up on you and you don’t give up on me. Ever, Emily.”

“I know.” Emily said. “And I want to believe that things will be okay, but...I just don’t know…”

“They  _ will  _ be.” He said. “Because I’m gonna  _ make  _ them okay. I don’t care what I have to do to make that happen, it  _ is  _ gonna be okay.”

“I just  _ want  _ this.” She said. “I want this  _ so _ much.”

“Trust me, I know.” He said. “I want it too. I want it so badly, I could scream.”

“How do you do it?” Emily asked. “How are you able to keep believing it’ll all be okay?”

“Well,” Derek said with a grin. “I guess I just can’t see how I could have someone like you and not get a happily ever after, princess.”

Emily returned his smile. “I hope you’re right.”

“Don’t worry.” He said. “I will be.”

_ Wooden floors and little feet _

_ A flower bud in concrete _

_ Feeling so incomplete _

_ Wonder will we ever meet? _

Derek held Emily’s hand as they went through their third round of IVF. Their chances still weren’t great, but the fact that there  _ was  _ a chance had been enough for them to try. The waiting was maybe the worst part. A week later, they went in to test the hormone levels in Emily’s blood. It was a day that could crush their hopes, or begin the next part of their lives together. It was nerve-wracking, waiting for that call. They’d been here twice before, with mixed results, and Emily wasn’t sure who was more nervous, her or Derek . When the phone rang, Emily fought the urge to hide under the covers in their bedroom. The deal was that they would take turns answering that call until the day they didn’t have to anymore. This time, it was Derek’s turn. Emily couldn’t stand it, couldn’t bear to see the reaction on his face as he talked to the doctor, so she went on the back patio for some air.

The first time had been good news, or so they thought. 

Emily’s hormone levels had been good, but on the second test a few days later, they had dropped. The bleeding started a few days later. They were devastated. The second time had been bad news from the start. It was difficult. Emily forced herself to take deep breaths as she heard Derek talking indistinctly inside. When she heard footsteps coming up behind her, Emily closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and braced herself for whatever answer waited for her. She turned around. Derek looked stunned. He looked like he was falling in love with her all over again. He looked...

He looked like he’d just been told the best news he had ever gotten.

“They’re good.” He said quietly. “The levels are good, they’re really high. They want us to come back in a couple of days to check again, but everything looks good.”

Emily’s heart fluttered “Are you serious?”

“Would I joke about this, princess?” He said. “You’re pregnant, Emily. It’s early, and we’re not out of the woods yet, but as of right now, you’re pregnant.”

“I’m pregnant.” She whispered. “I’m pregnant!”

Emily flung her arms around Derek to wrap him in a tight hug as the tears began streaming down her face. Derek kissed her, and when she pulled away, Emily could see that he was crying too.

“We did it, Emily.” He said. “We’re gonna be parents.”

_ And would you know it right away _

_ How hard I tried to see your face? _

_ A little screen, a photograph _

_ Mine to take _

The screen seemed to flicker to life as the ultrasound technician moved the wand over Emily’s abdomen, Derek by her side, clutching her hand tightly in his. No matter how often they had appointments to check on the health and progress of their baby, it was still nerve-wracking, knowing full well that things could change at any moment and their baby could be taken away from them.

Today though, baby Prentiss-Morgan was wiggling and seemed to be doing some variation of the conga when the technician found them.

“Baby is measuring perfectly at eight weeks.” The technician, Sasha, told them. “There’s baby’s head, arms, and legs. Now let’s see if we can hear the heartbeat…”

Sasha turned a knob and that steady woosh-woosh-woosh filled the room. It was all Emily could do not to burst into tears right then and there. She looked up at Derek and the look on his face, a wonderful mixture of love and awe as his eyes stayed glued to the screen. If she could take a picture and frame it, she would keep it her whole life, just to remember how he looked in that moment, staring at their baby.

“You okay?” Emily asked, clearing her throat. She squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.

“Yeah.” He said softly. “I just can’t believe this is happening.”

Emily smiled. “We’ve wanted this for a long time.”

“We have.” Derek said. “And I don’t think this is ever gonna get old. Seeing our baby, hearing that heartbeat...I’ll never get tired of it.”

“I know.” She said. “Me either.”

Emily squeezes his hand again. Sasha snapped a few pictures for them, labeling each one carefully. Once the doctor came in and confirmed that everything looked good, cleared them to move forward with a high risk obstetrician, they left the appointment walking on air. Their baby was perfect. Suddenly it all felt very real. They were going to be parents.

_ I sit and I stare at your clothes in the drawer _

_ I cry and my knuckles get sore _

_ 'Cause I still believe it won't be like before _

_ Now somehow I just want you more _

The baby’s room was nearly done, and as Emily’s pregnancy progressed, she found herself spending more and more time in there. One night in her third trimester, Emily was sitting in the glider in the baby’s room when a sudden wave of panic rushed over her. She started hyperventilating and tears rained down her face as the reality of the last three years and the fact that she was eight weeks away from finally being a mother hit her all at once. A strangled cry escaped her throat and she heard a crash and loud footsteps as Derek rushed into the room.

“What’s wrong?” He said. “What happened? Are you alright? Emily!”

“It’s too much!” Emily said through gasping sobs. “It’s too much, Derek. I can’t take it!”

“What’s too much?” He asked. “Are you having contractions? It’s too soon!”

“No!” She said. “I can’t  _ breathe!  _ I can’t- I can’t…”

Derek’s expression changed as he realized what was happening. He moved to hug her and then stopped, unsure if that would help or hurt. He settled for touching Emily on the shoulder.

“Baby, breathe.” He said. “You’re having a panic attack. Come on, Emily, deep breaths. In and out.”

Emily shook her head but tried her best to obey, forcing air in through her nose and out her mouth. Finally she calmed, though tears still blinded her. Derek got down on his knees and clutched her hands.

“What happened?” He asked.

Emily closed her eyes. “It’s too close to being real.” She said. “We’re  _ so  _ close. I can’t help but think…”

“It’s too good to be true.” Derek finished.

“Yeah.” She said. “I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and...I just can’t let myself…”

“Hey, listen to me.” Derek said. “Our baby is  _ fine.  _ Okay? And in eight more weeks, he or she will be here and you’ll have nothing to worry about.”

“What if something goes wrong?”

Derek paused. He couldn’t deny that he’d had similar thoughts, that they had come so far and suffered so much to get their child, and the fear that that child could still somehow be ripped away from them at the last minute kept him up at night. It haunted him. But it also only made him cling more steadfastly to the hope that this  _ wasn’t  _ all for nothing. He kissed her hands.

“Then we’ll figure that out if it happens.” He said. “But I still believe that things will be okay.”

“I hope you’re right.” Emily said. “Because I don’t know what I’m gonna do if you’re not.”

This time, Derek  _ did  _ hug her. He took Emily in his arms and just let her cry, letting out all of her fears and doubts, all of the hurt of the last three years. A lump formed in Derek’s throat. He didn’t know how to banish his wife’s fears, all he could do was hold her and pray that their hearts wouldn’t break again.

_ And when you decide it's your time to arrive _

_ I've loved you for all of my life _

_ And nothing could stop me from giving a try _

_ I've loved you for all of my life _

Emily’s water broke at eight in the morning, at thirty-nine weeks. The car ride to the hospital was frantic, both of them trying not to panic. Time seemed to crawl as the contractions came and went, the waiting game to end all waiting games. Emily tried to remind herself that this was what she had been working toward for the past three, nearly four years when the pain got too bad. She fought every worse case scenario that tried to creep into her brain as she got ready to push, tears in her eyes.

“Come on, Emily.” Derek said. “You’re doing so good.”

“God, this  _ hurts! _ ” She said. “I knew it was going to hurt, but it really fucking hurts!”

“I know, baby.” He said. “You’re almost there.”

The pushing felt endless, but then it was over. A cry filled the room and it was as if everything else fell away. Their son looked like he had just been through battle and his war cry was the most impressive sound that Derek and Emily had ever heard. He seemed both huge and impossibly small at the same time, and when the doctors cleaned him off and laid him on Emily’s chest, they both cried.

“Hi sweetheart.” Emily said, kissing the child. “Hi my boy. Look at you, look how perfect you are.”

“He’s perfect.” Derek agreed. “You did such a good job on him, Emily. I’m so proud of you.”

“Well, I didn’t do all the work.” She said, grinning at him. “You helped.”

“Just a bit.” He said. “I love you. So much.”

“I love you too.” She said softly. “So, what are we gonna name him? We could name him after your dad.”

“Nah.” Derek said. “He doesn’t look like a Hank. How about Matthew?”

Emily shook her head. “Maybe for a middle name.”

“Okay.” Derek said. “Dylan?”

“Dylan Matthew Morgan.” Emily said, testing the name out on her lips. “I like it.”

Derek smiled. “Me too.” He said, bending down to kiss his son on the head. “Welcome to earth, Dylan. Hey little buddy. Your mom and I love you.”

“Yes we do.” Emily added. “And we will  _ always  _ protect you and keep you safe.”

Derek kissed Emily on the forehead. At long last, their journey was over. They were parents, and Dylan Morgan would grow up knowing just how loved and wanted he was. They spent those first precious hours as a family, and all was finally right in their world. Heartbreak turned to joy, and their happiness, once so far away, was now in their arms. They were complete.

  
  



End file.
